2009: A New Way of Thinking

Dark and light, opposites divide our reality into a diverse spectrum
of beings around the world, people cry for new beginnings
down on their knees for a new hope, we watch and wait
receptively observing what the cosmos has in store, until it is time
to call for action and revolution towards a new way of thinking, of living and of being.

2009.01.30

We're losing our grasp on this fake reality
Coming back to our senses
But are we?

We're looking around to find our way home
Searching, turning towards
The One.

But when?  When will the breaking point be?
When will it be?
Just Be.

Getting into touch with our intuition
Looking deep inside
Ourselves.

Is this our only way back home?
Stop all the thinking
Our answer is clear.

When will it be?  Just Be.

1. self. what is it? my physicality, my mentality, my interaction with the environment, my behavior, my will? or is it? 

2. what if the self doesn't exist whatsoever. atman, noself. then all of our non-selves must be intricately connected and interdependent because there can be no individuality without a self, which is a distinct identity. but is a self, by definition, a distinct identity?

3. or maybe there is one self. and our self is a part of the one self. an independent entity but a unit of the greater whole. synergy. are our selves interacting with each other in ways we don't understand or even know about? birth begins our journey in space and time, but did our selves exist in another form before this event? death marks the end of our physical life, is this when the individual self re-enters the one self?


2009.01.30

Being fearful is one of the most subtle choices that we can make.  I used to believe that my fears were automatic, coming from some deep inner place that I couldn't control. It is something that is not so easily shaken off, and can be very complicated to know its source and power over me.  More recently I have come to understand, through my direct experiences with long held fears, that fear may seem innate and driven by unseen forces at first, but it is really there for a reason.  It can be an opportunity to act upon self-protection to prevent harm or suffering upon oneself, or an opportunity to begin to overcome an irrational thought pattern that is preventing one from living a fuller, healthier life.  With fear, there is almost always an opportunity for a choice to be made and thus an action to be taken, whether that be further along in the grasp of the fear or letting go of irrational fears by acknowledging them and trying to move on.

I deal with fear by being aware of it, analyzing it, feeling it in my body and my mind, simply being present with it, experiencing its coming and going, meditating with it, breathing with it, talking to it, and sometimes completely letting go if it.  I may be delusional, but understanding my fear and thus 'deal' with it requires an enormous amount of effort - so I try to listen to what it's telling me so that I can intuit how I need to adjust.

I tend to bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other, thereby averaging out to make me appear ‘normal’ most of the time, whatever normal is. And yet, I’ve never felt normal or a part of the herd. Since my release from the antidepressants this spring, my moods fluctuate much more so than when I was on them and more than before I was even diagnosed, throwing me into great balls of happiness some days and then into great fires of sadness the next week. But I am truly ALIVE! I used to feel numb and unimportant, even though I acknowledged my many strengths, maybe because I didn’t embrace them. Now it’s more apparent to me more than ever what those strengths are (thanks to friends giving me a different perspective), and even if I’m not sure where my strenghts will take me, I must trust that just by putting them into use I will be guided. I used to think that nothing I did ever mattered, that I was just another one wandering among the many while inside I was putting myself in a deep, dark corner where I could barely see the light from others, much less the light within myself. But this year I have learned SO much about myself, about how to live IN the world while not being OF the world. Something whispers to me, in my most desolate moments and in my joyful times, that I am a part of something much, much bigger than myself, than what I know, and part of more than this world we think we know.

And I’ve learned to laugh.
Laugh at myself; laugh at my silliness, my faults, my weakness, my irrationality and my sometimes excessive rationality. Laugh at this crazy contradicting paradox of the world that we live in! Laugh at all the good times and the bad; laugh at the past and the future. Laugh here and now! Because sometimes that’s all we can do to cope, instead of overstretching our minds and emotions, sometimes we need to just let go and release a laugh or two or many.

But what about enjoying myself? Now that’s a whole other story. Sure, I can laugh at myself and with others but it’s still very, VERY hard and sometimes impossible for me to go out and have a good time, with my friends and especially with my boyfriends’ friends.
FEAR. The fear that I harbor inside of me, of what others will think, of what I might have to say, of the behaviors I might have to put up with, these fears are still in control. APATHY. Apathy about having to force small talk, apathy about the typical bar or nightclub environment, apathy about smelling and watching annoying drunk people.
So I try to set up outings and go out with people and to places that I feel comfortable in. But its still a problem when I get invited out to a bar or out with certain people that for whatever silly reason make me feel uncomfortable or feel like I can’t just be my hippy contemplative philosopher self. And the sad thing is, even though I know these people aren’t always judging me and would probably like me more if I let my light shine and just be myself, I still have this fear and apathy towards them and their activities.

And so I laugh. And try to live the life I have right now, with whatever strengths and weaknesses I have at this moment while still striving for something else, some ‘end’ to this transformation that is really a life long process. Striving to become a better person, to become my full, complete, and whole self with the ever-present question of ‘why?’ Why am I the way I am, why is the world this way, why are we here, why am I to do this and not that, why do I feel comfortable with this and not with that, why do I study new ways to ask why??

Laughing because I’m laughing (which makes me laugh even more) because it’s all absurdity anyway!


“I've been afraid every single day of my life, but I've gone ahead and done it anyway."
- Georgia O’Keefe

"...Churchill despised Gandhi yet both men are kindred to me in the same and in divergent ways. Both felt that they were men of destiny and that they were here to serve mankind and both endured tremendous hardship and ridicule for what they believed. They also were men who were intimately acquainted with and understood themselves well and worked within that understanding to accomplish their respective missions, as a result each realized accomplishments that were most likely beyond their actual talent and own visions. To be able to push aside judgment and see ourselves clearly and embrace what we see (both virtue and vice) is powerful. Of all the things I have discovered to be most challenging in life, none has been more difficult than seeing myself as I truly am."
- my friend Rick

For as long as I can remember I have always felt different, awkward, outcast, misunderstood, but also special in many ways.  People older than me have always interested me more than my peers, and I feel a stronger connection with elders than with peers possibly due to my maturity for my age. Throughout my school days I had three groups of friends because I moved to two different states from 5th grade to 9th grade.  With each group of ‘best friends’ I always felt like the 3rd wheel, the one that no one really understands. Whether this was how my friends really related to me or it was just my perception about our relationships, I have no idea. The more I look back, the more I am starting to think that these feelings were all created in my mind.

How did these feelings of not fitting-in develop? Because of my ‘special’ nature I have told myself and others that I really don’t care what other people think about me and that it’s ok for me to be different, and that in fact, this being different is a great aspect of my character. But my sometimes very destructive internal dialogue and my outward actions obviously reveal that I do care what people think about me – a lot. I have an obvious birthmark on my arm and when I was in elementary school I remember raising my hand in such a way so that the other kids wouldn’t see it, or I just would refuse to wear t-shirts that exposed it if I was feeling especially self-conscious that day.  From junior high school up until just a year or so ago, the clothes I wore were the biggest part of my self-consciousness. Because I grew up lower middle class and on food stamps at times, my mom would take me to thrift stores for ‘new’ clothes shopping at the end of the summer.  I hated it!  I felt so embarrassed to have to wear these bargain clothes that were out of date with colors all faded. What a tragedy for someone who feels so different to begin with. How would the other kids tease me today?, I would ask my self over and over.

But that’s not the biggest tragedy, by far.  Sure, outward appearances have brought me down in the past, but nothing has more than the social anxiety and depression and I have had since childhood.  Since I’ve told myself that I don’t care what others think, at some point I really started not to care about others at all. Not in a selfish, hostile way, but more in an apathetic, neutral way.  I’ve always despised drama and dealings with petty things that really don’t matter in the scheme of life (which is what most people are involved with), so I just never get involved in people’s lives.  Instead of getting all caught up in their stories, I simply watch from the outside.  Why would I care about their problems when I have so many of my own? But by distancing and sometimes inadvertently removing myself from other’s lives I have created the deepest sense of loneliness for myself that I have ever known.  It has taken me a really long time to figure out that this was all my creation. I used to think that chemical imbalances in my brain (which could in fact exist) and my home environment (single mom, no contact with my father, one brother 10 years older) were the reason for my social handicaps.  All the great geniuses were depressed, awkward hermits too, right?  These things definitely factor into who I have become but I now understand that I have the power to choose to be lonely or not, to be a friend, to talk about matters that are important to me, to turn away from drama, to learn about life through listening to other people’s problems, etc.  I have the power to take each moment of my life where I want it to go next, and no neuron in my brain or other person in the world can choose for me.  Whether conscious of it or not, I create my reality.

So what kind of reality have I created in my life thus far?  It is a story and set of labels that I am so conditioned to being because my constant thought patterns make it seem ‘normal’ but it is one that I am extremely sick and tired of.  I need a new story!!  This is why since 2004 and especially since November of last year I have begun the major work of my life to change my perceptions about myself in such a way so that I can actually feel comfortable being myself in this world. The story I have created about myself is this:
    “Sure, you’re smart, you get straight A’s, you’re one of the prettiest girls in school, lots of people are jealous of you, your family is very proud of your accomplishments and you have no problem getting boyfriends or making superficial friends…. BUT (such a huge but!) no one really knows you, you have no best friends or even a group of close friends anymore, you try to be funny and are just a big dork, you try to make a point but get frustrated and can’t explain things so that others understand the way you want them to, you never like to go to parties or bars or shows or out with friends because your scared you’ll mess something up or look stupid, you get so nervous when you’re around other people that you can’t let go and just be yourself, you have smart things to say but just don’t know how to say them to make sense and not confuse yourself and others, you’re such a loser because you’d rather stay home and go to school and that’s it, you haven’t put any effort into your dwindling relationships because you don’t think they’ll understand yet you cry at night because the only best friend you have is your boyfriend of 8 years who knows you better than you know yourself yet you can’t go talk to anyone else about your problems with him, you become so hopeless that you want to run away to the beach or the mountains or the plains and just get lost in another world where you can start all over (again!), you’re TOO WEIRD TO LIVE (kill yourself to get rid of the pain!) BUT TOO RARE TO DIE (don’t kill yourself because you have so much potential)!!”  This is what I’ve been telling myself for years and now it’s about time that I start to rewrite my story.

I have had all this bottled up for so long in my head or in personal paper journals, waiting for trusting ears to listen and advise, and now I publish this to a community of people who I am calling out to for help, for advice or whatever you can give.  I have begun to make amends with myself little by little, and have begun to tell my new like-minded friends my old story so that I can accept it and be free of it, and so I can practice developing relationships and hopefully be a good friend to them in the process. I am open and ready for change, no matter how many scars it opens or memories that shake my soul, I am ready to heal, to break free from my mental prison. I am ready for a new life, inside and out.

The new story for my life is going to be one of compassion and empathy for myself so that I can feel true compassion and love for others and their own problems.  It must be one of acceptance and forgiveness for my faults and character flaws while embracing all that is good and light within me. It is getting to know this ‘I’ that is doing the telling of the story, the objective one inside this subjective mind.  I have started to listen to my body, observing the physical feelings that my emotions give me (not very nice at all sometimes!), and observing my destructive thought patterns and how quickly they arise and then subside.  I must acknowledge the yin yang that is this universe, this world, this country, this city, this person. Both positive and negative forces are always at work and they all must be accepted as co-dependent and co-originating.  My story will involve a new zest for life with less lethargy, an awakening to my calling and purpose for this life, recognition of my interdependence with nature and people, striving for my dreams and goals that with right intention will come true.  But most important is change- I must remind myself every day that everything is in a constant state of change and that nothing exists if it always stays the same.  This moment is unique and precious in and of itself, and this moment too shall pass. My new story will empower me to truly let go of my fears, my anxiety, my sadness, my worries, my obsessive analyzations, my mind, my self.  I will create a new self that will never be perfect but will be whole and beautiful and so in that sense perfect.  It won’t be free from suffering, but it will have a fresh perspective of how to deal with suffering.  It won’t be a new life completely, but a life filled with love, laughter, and a child-like beginner’s mind. Eudaemonia!

I believe that the only way we can make positive changes in our lives and in the world is to stand up for what we believe is right and not let anyone with more 'power' tell us that we are too radical and that no one will listen.  There's a quote by Matthew Arnold that says, "The freethinking of one age is the common sense of the next." and another by Einstein that goes something like, "We can't solve our current problems with the same frame of mind that got us there in the first place."  Gandhi, Lincoln, Buddha, Jesus, and many more influential spiritual or political leaders who have helped to better the world have all had this in common: understanding themselves and others' needs and desires, believing that what they were doing was what the people needed at that time, working compassionatly FOR the people and not just themselves, knowing that their actions were MUCH bigger than themselves, and not giving in to the status quo or those who resist progressive change.  I have felt a calling my whole life that had lead me to acknowledge a huge presence within me almost all the time no matter what I am thinking, feeling or doing.  This presence has helped me to trust my intuition, trust that the universe/God will lead me in the right direction, and that all my power comes from this energy. I am in this phase right now of finding out how to truly let go of all my fears and worries by forgiving myself for my faults and accepting & embracing myself and others, so that the presense of the universe can work through me and enable me to live at my fullest potential so that I can help change myself and in turn change the world. 
- Eudaemonia